last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
Randomize
