I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
okay serious question, the water is shut off in your house, do you attempt and use the clean toilet water for your new bong?
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
Randomize
