and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
my nick name has gotton too long over the years..C.T.P.S.G.F.P.G.......cock tease private school groupie frat party groupie.
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
Randomize
