I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Randomize
