mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Randomize
