WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
you are the only girl i know that would bring a plate of cookies to a hook up. but they were awesome. thanks. next time cupcakes?
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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