i don't plan on having that self control this summer
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
That reminds me...we need to get swords
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
