peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
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