Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
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