Ketchup is God's man juice
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
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