Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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