i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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