it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Randomize
