if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Randomize
