If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
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