This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
