you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
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