If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
Randomize
