Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
there's a photo set of like seven dicks covered in glitter....i don't know what to do
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
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