my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Landen experienced Greenville for the first time last night. He was awaken by 2 cops and 4 EMS guys this morning in the bed of that truck that is for sale at the swashbuckler carwash, said he was trying to walk to waffle house... Greenville- 1, Landen- 0
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
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