Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
