I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
people are starting to question the shark bite story
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
Randomize
