All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
I forget, are we banging TA’s for grades this semester or not?
Depends on how cute he is
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