Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
