hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Randomize
