my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
Randomize
