i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize
