I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
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