In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
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