You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
