I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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