wooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
ooooooooooooo i'm drink
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
Randomize
