This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
worst lay ever....
as long as you cum, there is no bad sex
ya... thank god for condoms, I was able to fake it... I stand by my original statement
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Randomize
