just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Randomize
