If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
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