I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
i have now been nicknamed the screamer on the first, third, fourth, & six floor by all the ra's. only two more floors to go before i cover the entire dorm.
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
They are going to name an STD after you.
Randomize
