You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
