I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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