I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
So, does it mean i'm loose if he can't even tell when he fell out?
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
Taking body shots off hot Camren. Get here now.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
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