I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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