How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
Randomize
