you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Stereotypically, lax bros last the longest, but have huge egos that are annoying. Baseball players barely last 10mins, but are really nice. And than we have soccer players, last long and have no egos. Me and my friends have collected our findings.
Randomize
