just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Randomize
