I have demons in me.
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
Well regardless of which drugs we choose to do tonight until four in the morning, we are having a wii bowling championship. So choose carefully.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
Randomize
