Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
Is it really that bad? I heard it was like pooping. I like pooping.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
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