The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
Houston, we have a squirter
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
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