My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
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