Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
Randomize
