My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize
