Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
this must be what syphilis tastes like
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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