my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Randomize
