Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
she is unbelievable! ever pee on a girl?
not while she was awake
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
