When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
Randomize
