honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
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