oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
