when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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