I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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