I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
Randomize
