I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
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