there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
Randomize
