It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
Randomize
