If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
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