the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
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