Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
