he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
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