she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
