I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
no morals, dignity, or self respect ... just an empty condom wrapper and a facebook request
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
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