I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
Randomize
