Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
Randomize
