I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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