Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
No, we got so into acting out our role play characters we didn't even fuck. still sucess.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
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